| A man’s errors are his portals of discovery. –James Joyce |
My whole life of dating has been screwed up. Perhaps my mindset going into every relationship was handicapped.
The Toltec Four Agreements, talks about how as babies we were structured as domesticated animals. We were rewarded by words like “good girl” “bad girl” thus creating the complex of always searching for approval by words and action. It says that in our developing years parents, sibling, religious leaders, and teachers molded our minds at their disposal. Think about it, have you ever thought completely free? Or had an idea that did not trace back to fear, guilt, or shame? There is this law book in our heads that tells us what is morally and sociallycorrect. These law books are passed down from generation to generation putting our minds on lock down to progressive ideas.
My law book had many volumes. Growing up in an overly religious, conservative, and responsible home I grew up with ideas on how things are supposed to happen. This is not a complaint on my parents at all.
Thankfully I am a very free thinker. I can confidentially say that I have freed myself from most of “the law book” that was programmed into my thinking. The newest mind law that was buried and I did not even realize was a problem, was my idea of relationships. In the religion that I grew up in I was not allowed to date unless I was planning on marrying the person. If you were sexually active you were supposed to marry.
Of course every girl I knew growing was having sex but they were controlled by the guilt and shame of the law. This guilt complex made them hide every action they were doing. Young girls have sex when they are ignorant to the repercussions but they are too ashamed to tell their parents, a councilor, or a Planned Parenthood education center.
I liberated myself from the religion when I was 13 reverted at 17, and then started the liberation process again at 19. I would say most of the stupid mistakes growing up were not out of rebellion to hurt my family but out of my mind running from the law book.
This culture of dating for marriage is a joke that people need to get out of their minds. It took me forever to realize that I was destructing every relationship because I was looking for my soul mate to miraculously appear out of each terrible relationship.
That was over a year ago and I have not been in a relationship with anyone. There were a few stupid flings but nothing serious.
Recently I fell for a friend. Then told me the only way we could be together is if we get married. Game over for me. Why can we not just have fun?! Life is not that serious. Relationships and love are COMPLETELY trivial. I wished I lived in a society where I was betrothed at birth but I could have fun and live life until I was ready.
Dysfunction is all I have ever experienced in relationships. Not that the guy is the problem. Actually it is quite the contrary, I am always the problem. I think I drive boys to break my heart. I get scared, push away, and put crazy high expectations that I actually do not expect them to fulfill. I have such great relationships to look at. Every couple in my family is happily married. Mine always end with destruction and doom.
I am turning a new page… Bulletproof, stone cold, player… definitely have it in me. I usually fall for these misfits that I feel I can help out. No more. I do not even care… NO MORE MISFITS! Even in friends… All toxic, emotionally handicapped, or spiritually draining people are, as of now, ixnay out of my life!
Guess it is time to reexamine the old law book and tear out some pages of lessons that people have taught me over the years. It is really hard to deprogram yourself when most of the people you are around were raised the same.
Tka for now.
22/09/2010
audrarochelle
